Day one-zero-one

Today is 101 of the nursing program.

My life is not going that great right now. It might be from the lack of sleep, excess caffeine, the feeling of overwhelming studying for finals, and the fact that I am burnt out. It is likely because it is the end of the whole semester... and almost time for a break but damn, I feel flippin useless. As always people, you will receive honesty from me. For lack of a better way to say it, raw emotion. Why? Well, this is what I would write in a real journal. To be plain and simple, I think I would want to dub this a night where I feel as if alcohol would be my best friend if I let it in my life much.

I'm listening to Pandora play my "The Killer's" playlist... I mean, who wouldn't like this guy(Brandon Flowers)

Well, I like this guy, and he sings pretty amazingly. 

WOW! My neighbors are still up, I heard their closet door open and shut! Amazing!

Anyway, how is Keshia today? Well, nobody really asked me that today, so I am going to tell you. 

I'M NOT DOING GOOD! I  need love... freakin a. I need interaction with friends, I need assurance that I am wanted, I need to know I am loved! I don't even know that my own husband loves me right now in my life. He is so distant (not even in just miles) but in his emotion towards me. I don't know what to do to tell him in any other words but what I have already said! Ok, I KNOW he loves me..... I'm just not feeling it.

On a happy note, I got an awesome squirrel ornament in the mail today. :) I liked it, I have factual evidence of who it was from... but I have my suspicions. This came at a good time today... it helped me realize I'm not alone right now. 

To sum it all.... Keshia is down, lost, empty, and wants to be around people. I might go and sit in the Aerie tomorrow even if just to watch people around me while I do my TONS of homework. I will also be goiing to the gym cause I need to work out... because I am overweight (even though BMI tells me I am close to OBESE!) I work out so much, eat right, and  yet I'm still overweight. It takes time time time (is ticking away). 

I can't wait to go to Africa.... when will my dreams be fulfilled. Was getting married the right choice? I believe it was.... But I don't want to settle for a mediocre dream! I want to fulfill everything that I wanted to do before  I was in this deep of a relationship! I want my life to be full and have a lot of adventure in it. I feel as though I am losing that because of 1. Nursing School. 2. Tyler is kinda lame a lot of times. I need new ideas, plans, thoughts, adventures, things to do. I don't want to settle for the possible, I want to achieve the impossible. I want to make it happen NO MATTER WHAT GETS IN MY WAY!! 

Remember people, this is a journal/blog. Raw emotion. My thoughts. I do not feel like I am a horrible person for thinking these things. I feel as though, thinking these things really helps me organize my thoughts and see how to attack what is bothering me ... and find a solution. I think in the year 2011, I will make a goal. One goal, not a list. But 1 thing I want to accomplish that year. ... besides the obvious of passing my first year of nursing. 

I had a friend tell me today, "We were all shocked by you getting married Keshia. Thought for sure you would be going to Africa alone and living your dreams." ... I am still going to live my dreams, married or not. 

I love these people. I love these children. Somewhere in my heart deep down is a caring person. I just am not sure how to tap into it. I need help reaching into outreaches. I need help getting my life straight and getting things prioritized right. I just with Tyler would man it up. I don't like this whole long term commitment thing to live here in the United States.... I don't belong here for the rest of my life. ... I need to move, leave, go somewhere new. if I could I would transfer to a different state for a different nursing program. 

Keshia has cabin fever.