My life is not going that great right now. It might be from the lack of sleep, excess caffeine, the feeling of overwhelming studying for finals, and the fact that I am burnt out. It is likely because it is the end of the whole semester... and almost time for a break but damn, I feel flippin useless. As always people, you will receive honesty from me. For lack of a better way to say it, raw emotion. Why? Well, this is what I would write in a real journal. To be plain and simple, I think I would want to dub this a night where I feel as if alcohol would be my best friend if I let it in my life much.
I'm listening to Pandora play my "The Killer's" playlist... I mean, who wouldn't like this guy(Brandon Flowers)
Well, I like this guy, and he sings pretty amazingly.
WOW! My neighbors are still up, I heard their closet door open and shut! Amazing!
Anyway, how is Keshia today? Well, nobody really asked me that today, so I am going to tell you.
I'M NOT DOING GOOD! I need love... freakin a. I need interaction with friends, I need assurance that I am wanted, I need to know I am loved! I don't even know that my own husband loves me right now in my life. He is so distant (not even in just miles) but in his emotion towards me. I don't know what to do to tell him in any other words but what I have already said! Ok, I KNOW he loves me..... I'm just not feeling it.
On a happy note, I got an awesome squirrel ornament in the mail today. :) I liked it, I have factual evidence of who it was from... but I have my suspicions. This came at a good time today... it helped me realize I'm not alone right now.
To sum it all.... Keshia is down, lost, empty, and wants to be around people. I might go and sit in the Aerie tomorrow even if just to watch people around me while I do my TONS of homework. I will also be goiing to the gym cause I need to work out... because I am overweight (even though BMI tells me I am close to OBESE!) I work out so much, eat right, and yet I'm still overweight. It takes time time time (is ticking away).
I can't wait to go to Africa.... when will my dreams be fulfilled. Was getting married the right choice? I believe it was.... But I don't want to settle for a mediocre dream! I want to fulfill everything that I wanted to do before I was in this deep of a relationship! I want my life to be full and have a lot of adventure in it. I feel as though I am losing that because of 1. Nursing School. 2. Tyler is kinda lame a lot of times. I need new ideas, plans, thoughts, adventures, things to do. I don't want to settle for the possible, I want to achieve the impossible. I want to make it happen NO MATTER WHAT GETS IN MY WAY!!
Remember people, this is a journal/blog. Raw emotion. My thoughts. I do not feel like I am a horrible person for thinking these things. I feel as though, thinking these things really helps me organize my thoughts and see how to attack what is bothering me ... and find a solution. I think in the year 2011, I will make a goal. One goal, not a list. But 1 thing I want to accomplish that year. ... besides the obvious of passing my first year of nursing.
I had a friend tell me today, "We were all shocked by you getting married Keshia. Thought for sure you would be going to Africa alone and living your dreams." ... I am still going to live my dreams, married or not.
I love these people. I love these children. Somewhere in my heart deep down is a caring person. I just am not sure how to tap into it. I need help reaching into outreaches. I need help getting my life straight and getting things prioritized right. I just with Tyler would man it up. I don't like this whole long term commitment thing to live here in the United States.... I don't belong here for the rest of my life. ... I need to move, leave, go somewhere new. if I could I would transfer to a different state for a different nursing program.
Keshia has cabin fever.